


Pain

by crazypooch



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Accidents, Angst, Brain Damage, Broken Bones, Car Accidents, Depression, Hospitals, Hurt, Injury, Major Character Injury, OCD, Other, Recovery, TBI, Trauma, aftermath of accident, fatigue
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-04
Updated: 2017-05-09
Packaged: 2018-09-21 23:36:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9571916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazypooch/pseuds/crazypooch
Summary: Robert gets run over on his way home and suffers from serious injuries





	1. The accident

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic so I apologize if it is absolutely rubbish. Also, I'm not a native speaker, English is not my first and not even my second language so I'm sorry if there are some language errors. Feel free to give feedback, don't be too harsh though :)
> 
> This will be a multi chapter story and I will probably be way over my depths so I apologize for that too. Also , bear in mind I have zero medical knowledge so there will be mistakes although I try my best to be accurate :) 
> 
> The chapters won't be that long, since I myself get bored with too long chapters.

Robert had just finished helping Rebecca when he stepped outside. The air was chilly but it was a beautiful evening with stars in the sky. Rebecca had once again needed his help and she had turned up at the scrapyard in a right state. He had been so close to being finished for the day when she had barged in through the door to the portacabin, panicking about some meeting she was having tomorrow which she had completely forgotten about and therefor had not been preparing anything. Robert had really wanted to just go home to Aaron but he had never been able to leave a damsel in distress so he had agreed to helping her. Of course there was also the fact that Rebecca was his only friend in the village, the only one he hang out with outside his family and he could not let that go.  
Rebecca had driven them to Home Farm and even though she had suggested that she could drive him back to the pub afterwards, he decided he would walk instead. It wouldn’t take too long and he could use the time to clear his head. He had been working so much, maybe too much, recently and he thought the walk could make him forget about work. He felt his brain emptying as he walked down the road towards the village. It was so quiet and peaceful. He stopped for a moment to inhale the fresh, autumn air when suddenly a car was approaching . He turned around and at the same time he turned, he felt the car hit him.

_____

(18:05: Robert where are you?)

(18:35: Robert you said you'd be here by 17:30 and that's over an hour ago! Where the hell are you?!)

It was almost seven and Aaron started to get a bit worried. He had been angry earlier because he knew Robert would go up to Home Farm and sort something with Rebecca and he assumed their meeting had dragged on but now he couldn't shake the feeling that something was up. He took his keys from the table and ran outside and unlocked his car. He reversed and started to drive out from the village towards Home Farm -a place he really did not want to visit. After last time, he honestly did not want to go there, he did not want Robert to think that he was doubting him again but he was worrying now, really worrying!  
He was driving along the road when he thought he saw something lying in the ditch next to the road. He pulled up to have a closer look. It's probably just an animal, he thought, but even so he wanted to be sure it wasn't suffering in case it had been hit by a car. But it wasn't an animal. The closer he got, the better he could see that it wasn't the body of an animal , but one of a person, a man. His heart started beating really fast and he dug out his phone from his pocket.  
He crouched next to the body. It was so dark he couldn't see much. He used his phone to shed some light on the person lying there but the vague light from his phone did not help much. The person was lying on his stomach in an awkward position with dirt and glass covering his whole body. Aaron knelt in closer to the persons face and that was when he recognized who he was looking at, it was Robert, his Robert! He dropped his phone and rushed up. He started panicking, he felt he couldn't breathe, he turned around and threw up. He was shaking and for a minute his mind froze and he wasn't able to do a thing. He snapped out of it when he felt someone shaking him. He lifted his eyes away from Robert towards the person shaking him, noticing it was Paddy. In the distance he could here sirens approaching and now he could also here Paddy talking to him. 

 

”Aaron, Aaron! Th ambulance is on its way! He'll be fine!”  
”I- I- I- f-found him like this! I-I thought it was an animal and I-I stopped to-to have a look a-and I-I saw him just lying there”  
He was cut off by Paddy pulling him in his arms and holding him tightly. He heard Paddy whispering that everything would be fine but he couldn't believe a single word he said. Suddenly the ambulance and the police were there and the paramedics were surrounding Robert's lifeless body. Paddy still held Aaron close, not letting him go, even though he tried to get out of his grip to get near to the man he love. A police officer approached them but Paddy told him Aaron was too shocked to say anything and apparently the officer could see that too,since he told them he would ask some questions later. When the officer left Aaron turned his head away from Paddy to see a paramedic closing the door to the ambulance. Aaron tried to fight himself out of Paddy's hold crying out at the same time how he needed to go with Robert in the ambulance but when he finally got away from his dad, the ambulance was already on its way towards the hospital.  
”I should've gone with him! Paddy , I shouldn't have left him!” He felt the panic grow again and he went for his car but was stopped in his tracks by Paddy.  
”I'm not letting you drive! I don't want to see you get killed! I'll drive, come on!  
They both got into the vets' car and Aaron couldn't do anything except hoping Paddy wouldn't get stopped and that Robert would be fine!


	2. Update

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron and the others get an update on Robert's condition.

Aaron stood next to Robert’s bed. Robert had needed brain surgery and he also had some internal bleeding. He had been in theater for hours and Aaron had been pretty sure he would lose his mind waiting for news. He was grateful to have his friends and family with him –he was certain he would not have been strong enough to do this on his own. Paddy had called Diane, Chas and Vic and they , along with Adam, had come as soon as they could, which was about half on hour after the calls. Liv had been dropped off at Moira’s as Aaron did not want her to see how bad Robert was. He also did not want to break down in front of her so he thought it would be better if Moira and Cain looked after her for a while.   
As soon as Aaron saw his mum, he had thrown himself in her arms, crying loudly and she had held him tight whispering in his ear that everything would be okay and that Robert was strong and stubborn and would not leave like this. Aaron had wanted to believe her so badly, but the voices in his head shouting that Robert is dead would not shut up. 

Robert looked so frail in the hospital bed in the HDU, where he had been taken to after the long surgery. He had broken ribs, his right leg was broken in three places and his left shoulder was dislocated (the doctors had sorted it already though). His pelvis was also broken and would need surgery but at the moment the doctors had only stabilized it. He had hit his head badly and a neurosurgeon had removed a blood clot so Robert had now a bandage around his head and a tube inserted to his head to monitor the intercranial pressure. ”He looks so broken” Aaron thought to himself and he felt tears burning in his eyes. He took a hold of Roberts hand, carefully not to touch the IV, and held it tight at the same time feeling the tears rolling down his cheeks.   
A nurse came in a moment later asking kindly Aaron to leave to let Robert rest. She told him the doctor would need to speak to Robert’s family and that everyone was waiting for him in the family room.   
Aaron reluctantly let go of his fiance’s hand and made his way out the doors towards the family room. He was worried, he actually thought he was going to black out but when he thought he would not be able to stand upright anymore, a strong familiar arm wrapped around him and guided him along the corridor in to the family room where everyone was already sitting down on some chairs holding each others hands and looking worriedly up on to the doctor standing before them. Aaron gave Paddy a weak smile when he sat him down on a chair between Vic and Chas before moving himself towards the other side of the room on to another empty chair. 

The doctor, a tall, dark-haired, serious-looking man, probably in his fifties, let his eyes sweep over everyone in the room before clearing his throat.

”I’m Doctor Anderson, one of the doctors taking care of Mr Sugden. I know you have been briefly told about his state but I thought it would be time for an update. I know this is difficult but for the moment he is stable and out of immediate danger. If you have any questions at all, feel free to ask at any moment. ” He took a deep breath before continuing. 

”As you know , Mr Sugden was brought here after being hit by a car. When he was brought in he was taken straight into theater were his spleen was removed. The neurosurgeon, Dr Hopkins, removed a clot from his brain. His shoulder was also put in place and almost all his broken bones has been put in cast. His pelvis, which also was broken, has been stabilized but will require surgery once he is stronger. ”

The doctor spoke really fast and Aaron and the others had to really concentrate on focusing what he was saying. The doctor paused again for a minute and before he continued, Aaron could see his expression changing to even more serious. 

”Mr Sugden hit his head really bad after the hit and suffers from traumatic brain injury, or TBI. At the moment we cannot tell how it will effect him, we have to wait for him to regain consciousness. When he is awake we can assess his condition. ”

”He’s got brain damage?!” Victoria yelled out in shock. Everyone in the room looked shocked and Diane jumped up and cried in Victoria’s arms. Aaron felt numb. He could not cry, he could not move. Then he felt his mums arms around him and he broke. 

It took a while for everyone to calm down and when the room quietened Doctor Anderson continued. 

”We cannot speculate on the damages, we just have to be patient and wait. Mr Sugden will stay at the neurological high dependency unit for some time and he will be kept sedated. You will be allowed to visit him, but for short periods only and only one at the time. He is monitored and is under constant surveillance. We also will keep on doing tests to make sure his condition will not deteriorate. Now, if you have any questions, feel free to ask and try to stay positive. I know it is difficult but we are doing everything we can to make him better.”

For a moment everyone was just quiet, letting the words sink in. Aaron could not stand the silence anymore and opened his mouth but was cut short by Diane. 

”What – what effects could there be? I mean, what are the worst consequences?” She looked like she was about to start crying again but somehow managed to keep it together.

”Every patient is different. We really will not know before he wakes up and some effects from the injury may only appear after some time. It really will not do any good to dwell on this” the doctor answered. 

”Bullshit! You just don’t want to tell us! You are all the same, keeping thing from us!” Aaron angrily shouted towards the doctor before storming out leaving the others behind, calling after him.


	3. Coming home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert's recovery is discussed and he is finally able to return home

Robert had not suffered from any complications and therefor did not need to spend too long in the HDU before being moved to a general ward. He had had surgery on his pelvis and overall he had made great progress and the doctors, as well as his close ones were optimistic about his recovery. After he had regained consciousness, doctors had so many tests done on him, that everyone lost track. 

”For now it seems that Mr Sugden only suffers from short-term memory loss” the doctor had told Aaron, Diane and Vic once he had yet again completed a test and they now stood a couple of meters away from Robert's bed. Robert had fallen asleep again, sometimes it seemed that sleeping was all he was doing, but the doctor said it was completely normal after the trauma he had been through.  
The relief Aaron had felt after the news was indescribable. He felt like an massive stone had been pushed off his shoulders and he shed a couple of tears of happiness. He was so wrapped up in the thought of Robert being relatively fine that he did not even notice that the doctor had kept on talking until Vic gave him a slight nudge. 

”...we cannot say if the memory loss will be permanent but we will offer support on how to cope and how to support him since he will most likely feel frustration and anxiety, as well as other feelings when he fully realize how the loss of memory will effect his day to day life. It is also possible that in time, once he is home and starting to going back to living the life he had before the accident, you will notice changes in him and these changes are highly likely to be results of the TBI. However it is possible that the memory loss will be the only thing he will suffer from. If Mr Sugden agrees, we can take him in to a rehabilitation center where he will get help and support before going home. It might help him adapt. There, we are also able to see if other problems or difficulties appear. ”

”He is not going to any clinic or center, he’s coming home as soon as he can!” Aaron said, his voice a bit too raised and he felt other patients and visitors turning to look at him but at the moment he did not care. He did not want Robert to stay at the hospital , away from home, any longer than needed. He knew he was a bit selfish but he also knew Robert would want to be around his family instead of lying in a ward full of other sick people.

”You said he was doing well so there is no need for him to stay here or anywhere else if he can come home!” Aaron continued, looking at everyone in front of him. 

”Aaron, love, maybe it would be better if he went to the rehabilitation center. As the doctor pointed out we don’t know if he is going to suffer other problems and at the center they could maybe spot these before him coming home. It might be easier…” 

”Easier for who, Diane?! He has been in hospital for over a month now and it is killing me! Visiting him for short periods every day is not enough. I want him near me 24/7 and he is so much better. I know he is still recovering and it won’t be easy but I’ll look after him! So no, he is not staying at any clinic, end of!

_______

A couple of weeks later Robert was released from the hospital. Robert had chosen not to go to the rehabilitation center stating he felt fine and that once he would be home everything would fall into place. Doctor Anderson had warned Aaron and the others that Robert still was not fully aware of the effects of the accident and that they could call their trauma social worker whenever they felt the need to. Robert was still in a wheelchair and he left the hospital with enough medicine to open a pharmacy but Aaron and Robert were both ecstatic that they could slowly start being normal again like they had been before. 

Aaron took out Robert's wheelchair from the back of the car, folded it open and took it around to the other side. He opened the door to the passenger seat and gave Robert a wide smile. Good he was happy to have him home! Of course there would be problems since they still lived at the Woolpack and their bedroom was upstairs but fortunately Robert would not have to stay in the wheelchair for much longer.

"You ready?"

"Yeah, although I would prefer to be able to move around by myself" 

"You will be out of that chair in no time, okay? Come on, let's get you moved. Everyone is waiting for you and Liv even has got you some kind of surprise!"

The pub had been packed and Robert had just wanted to escape. He was grateful that Aaron had noticed his discomfort and taken him through to the back room. He did not want to worry him so he just told him he was tired and that he did not like people staring at him. Liv came through and gave him a hug and the book he had been wanting to buy for ages but did not have the time to. He smiled at her, feeling tears in his eyes, quickly wiping them away before she noticed. He had missed her so much. She had not really visited him in the hospital because neither he nor Aaron wanted her upset and the state he was in the first couple weeks was not something anyone , let alone a teenager, should see. 

"Let's catch up later, eh?" He said and Liv nodded before turning around walking out the doors. 

"Do you want to go upstairs, have a lie down?" Aaron asked. He looked worried and exhausted, Robert thought.

"Yeah, I'm knackered"

"I'm just going to get Cain and Adam to help" he said before walking out. 

Robert had never felt so ashamed in years. He knew he had nothing to be ashamed about but he could not help feeling useless and worthless when he was carried upstairs by Aaron, Adam and Cain. "Maybe I should have just gone the center after all. I would have been better and I would not have been this much of a liability." he thought feeling like he was nothing but a burden. When they eventually got him through to the bedroom on to the bed he just wanted to be left alone. 

"But I could help you get changed into something more comfortable" Aaron offered once Cain and Adam had left and Robert asked Aaron to leave with them. 

"I'm fine, just let me be. I'll change later, I'm just so tired now" 

Aaron gave him a kiss on his forehead and left, a sad look on his face.


	4. Hiding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some insight to what Robert is feeling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not updating quicker, have been really busy. Hope you like, I'm not sure I do. Feel free to comment :)

After a few months Robert was physically recovering well. He was still in some pain and his movements were slow. It would be another few months before he would be even remotely close to how he was before the accident but he was doing a lot better. He had gotten out of the wheelchair and could move around a bit more and everyone could see the that it had a positive effect on him and even though Robert did not feel like himself and he had bitterly accepted that he would never be back to how he used to be, he was relieved that there was one less thing he had to rely on others to help him with. He never learnt to manage the wheelchair, Aaron or Vic or Diane had to help him a lot and that had made him feel miserable and like a total loser. While he was stuck in the chair, he did not want to leave to go somewhere someone other than close family could spot him, which meant he for the most of time stayed upstairs. Aaron had tried and tried to get him downstairs but after Robert had snapped harshly at him he left it and Robert had yet again a reason to feel bad about himself. He had hated and still, even after months, hated how his state affected those around him and there were times he actually wished he had just died. Of course he never told this to anyone, he could imagine how distraught they would be if they knew. He knew they knew he was not completely fine mentally, but he tried not to show them how badly all of this had affected him.  
Robert especially hated seeing Aaron worry and even though at first he did not have the energy to put his ”I cope okay”-mask on every day, he knew, well actually he convinced himself that he needed to get Aaron and everyone else to believe he was getting better, so he pushed himself to put the mask on every day and eventually he felt everyone believing him doing well , although Aaron continued to always be a bit skeptical. 

\----

Robert hated everything about his condition. He hated himself. He, for example, hated the fatigue but sometimes it felt good to be able to use it as an excuse to lay in bed for almost the entire day when he actually felt really down and the only thoughts in his mind was how wonderful it would be to just disappear, to vanish, to not exist anymore, to be dead. He always dragged himself out of the bedroom at some point during the evening to not cause any concern. He knew that the fatigue would ease in time and that he would eventually get his energy level up to where it was before the accident, but so far, as long as he still struggled with it, he would use it to help hide his dark thoughts from Aaron. 

The fatigue was not the only thing that would be temporary. The memory loss had thankfully not been permanent and he had had some feelings of slight joy when he had noticed how he did not need to rely on his notebook anymore. It had been so frustrating and depressing to not be able to remember things like before. The doctor and the trauma social worker had gone through with him ways to help him remember things, the notebook being one of them. He had reluctantly tried it but had had to admit it was helpful. It had made him feel like he had gotten a small piece of his independence back. He would write down every task he had to do during the day and as he finished one he crossed it over continuing onto the next one. He would also put down new tasks or things he had to remember the minute he had heard them, so that he would not have to find himself in yet another situation where he would be told he had forgotten something yet again. Every time he had been in a situation like that, he had been so angry with himself. Even when he had known there had been nothing he could have done about it, he had not been able to not mentally beating himself up and cursing his condition, cursing his existence. 

Aaron had been extremely patient with him, with everything, not just with the memory difficulties, never losing his temper, never getting annoyed (which was really not like him), and his love towards Aaron only grew, even though he thought he already loved him as much as one could love someone. Aaron’s kindness also made him feel miserable and not deserving and he tried so hard to push these thoughts away but he couldn’t. They were always there in the back of his mind. He hated loving Aaron; Aaron deserved someone better than him and it would not require much effort to find someone who would be a better choice than Robert. 

He had forced out a smile at the doctor’s when he had, along with Aaron, Vic and Diane gone to the hospital for yet another check-up where the doctor had confirmed the memory loss to only have been temporary and Robert’s memory to be working as it had before. Vic had immediately jumped up to hug him and Diane had followed soon after. When Diane had let go, Aaron took him in his arms where he held him tight for what felt like forever, tears of happiness running down his cheeks wetting Robert’s shirt. Robert could let himself be held but he could not let himself believe the words Aaron whispered to him, the three small words " I love you".


	5. How much to worry?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron's thoughts on Robert's recovery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not overly pleased with this one but I hope you will not find it totally awful!

He was over the moon about he progress Robert was making; his memory worked almost like it used to, he could walk without any aid and the fatigue was slowly subsiding, although they had been told it would be some months before he could slowly start working again. Aaron hoped that once Robert started getting better physically he would get better mentally as well, and he noticed that Robert became slowly more like himself again. He still did not go out much but he had started cooking again and he helped a bit around the pub (not that helping around the pub was something he normally did, but it was nice to see him wanting to do something other that hanging around the back watching telly or sleeping upstairs). Robert had always liked cooking and it had broken Aaron's heart a bit seeing Robert giving up on that completely stating bitterly he did not want to burn the place down because he had forgotten to turn the oven off. Aaron had tried to convince him to try and make something simple stating that he had his notes to help him and even Liv had offered to cook with him but Robert had declined. So when he found him in the kitchen one day, after the doctor had confirmed his memory working again, making something as simple as an omelet, he could not help himself from rushing towards him and throwing his arms around him, hugging him tightly. Robert had chuckled a bit and downplayed the whole thing like he had not been been staying away from the stove for several months. 

Robert still did not talk as much as he used to and Aaron missed his sarky comments and wittiness. He also seemed like he still did not rely on his memory, often wanting Aaron to reassure him he had not forgotten anything. He also still used his notebook and was adamant that order was being kept and no things were to be moved to a knew place. He had jokingly said that Robert should loosen up a bit, but it had made him angry and he had stormed upstairs. He knew that it would take time for Robert to get back to how he used to be. He also sadly knew there was the possibility that he never would be back to his old self. Aaron tried not to think about that because he missed him, he missed his canny, sarky, slightly workaholic Robert. The Robert who would make him laugh but moments later could make him want to strangle him, the Robert who hardly ever let anything get to him, the Robert who could not keep his hands off him when they were alone (and sometimes even when they were in the company of others)... God he missed how they were before... He even missed his awful printed shirts. Now, he only wore joggers and Aaron's hoodies. 

 

Aaron knew Robert wasn't coping as well as he tried to pretend. Robert never wanted to talk about the accident. He even seemed reluctant to talk about doctor's appointments and physio sessions.   
Aaron did worry about him. A lot. It had been over six months since the accident but Robert had not once talked about how he felt. Of course, when asked, he always said he was doing fine, but Aaron wished he would open up, to really talk about what was going on in his head. Robert was getting better physically, but Aaron knew Robert was not alright mentally, not really, even though Robert tried to convince him otherwise. He knew Robert would need to face up to what had happened to him. He could only hope that he would open up to him in time. He would not try to push him, he was scared of what would happen if he pushed him accidentally too far. About a couple of weeks ago he had suggested yet again that he should go to therapy saying he might find it easier to talk to an outsider, but Robert had gotten furious and after yelling at him, had given him the silent treatment that had lasted for a couple of days. It had felt like a lifetime. 

Robert slept a lot during the first four months. He had been through a massive trauma so it was expected, but sometimes later on, from time to time, Aaron wondered if he really needed the rest or if he was just trying to avoid something like for example conversations on anything accident-related. But nowadays, when Robert's fatigue had diminished, almost every single time Robert was having his lie-downs, Aaron found himself agonizing over the possibility that Robert was feeling down, that he wanted to be alone in some dark thoughts. He would not tell Robert about his worries, he would not want to risk Robert thinking Aaron saw him as weak (Which he didn't! But he knew Robert would see it like that). Instead he decided he would keep a close eye on him because, after all, it was possible he was just overthinking again. He knew, he was certain Robert was down from time to time, that he had bad days, it was only normal, but that did not have to mean he was in a really dark place so that was why he decided to take it carefully. The last thing he wanted was to make Robert upset.


	6. Talk to me!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron finds Robert and Liv arguing again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a bit shorter one, more like a filler really. I will continue the story as soon as possible.

"Stop nagging all the time! You're like an old women and doing my head in!"

"I wouldn't have to nag if you could put things back to where they were!"

"I only moved a couple of things, you freak! You're not the only person living here and I've had enough of you trying to control everything and everyone!"

"Hey, what's this?!" Aaron had hurried through the door as soon as he had heard the loud shouting. Liv and Robert seemed to be in yet another argument, they had been arguing a lot recently and Aaron always got awkwardly stuck in the middle. 

"He is such a control freak!" Liv yelled, pointing at Robert who, now Aaron was there, really,really tried to calm himself down. Robert did not want to argue with Liv and he tried so hard not to lose it but it was difficult.  
He took a few deep breaths before lifting his head up, looking at Aaron. 

"I'm sorry, I just.... She...." God, he knew he was stupid. "She moved stuff again. Whenever she takes something she never puts it back again and it...it just..." He took another deep breath and shook his head. "It just annoys me"

Aaron looked at him and sighed and then looked towards Liv who glared at Robert.

"So, you two were again shouting over absolutely nothing!" He could not control his tone. He sounded irritated and tired, which he was, but he did not want to continue what they had started. He sighed, pinched the bridge of his nose and opened his mouth to continue.

"Liv, could you go upstairs for a bit, I need a word with Robert". His tone was much more calm now, although a bit pleading. Liv looked like she wanted to say something but surprisingly she kept quiet, grabbed her bag and rushed out the door. A silence fell in the room and the pair just stood still for a moment, Aaron with his eyes closed, face towards the ceiling, hands behind his neck while Robert stood leaning back against the kitchen table looking at the floor.

Aaron opened his eyes when he heard Robert moving. He saw him move towards the kitchen, starting to organize everything to how it was.

"Robert..." He did not respond. He just kept doing what he did. 

"Rob" Nothing. Aaron sighed and shouted out his partner's name once more, a bit too loudly maybe, but at least he got him to stop. Robert turned around and made a move towards the sofa which he crashed on to. He looked worn out. Aaron slowly went to sit down next to him and took his hand in his. He actually had expected Robert to pull his hand away but surprisingly he did not. 

"What's going on Rob? You are so on edge all the time and you and Liv are at each others throats everyday and I'm so tired of it all" 

"Robert, look at me!" Aaron put his other hand on Robert's cheek and slowly turned his face towards his own so he could look in his eyes. Robert's gaze went everywhere before his eyes fixed on Aaron's. 

"I'm fine" 

"Bullshit! It's been 9 months since your accident and yes you are physically fine but you are not mentally okay are you?" Aaron could feel his eyes watering. He turned his look away and blinked violently before turning back to Robert. "You are still writing things down and I know you know you don't have to. You are constantly organizing and controlling and it's tough okay? Talk to me!... Please... What are you afraid of?"

Robert turned away, eyes fixated on the carpet. "It is just Liv getting on my nerves, leaving a trail of destruction everywhere she goes" Robert knew that was not the case but he could not explain how he was feeling and even if he could everyone would just think he was being pathetic. 

"Robert, Liv has always been messy and during these last couple of months she has been trying you know? I know she doesn't want to row any more than you do. She is tired too.....Just tell my how you are feeling and don't bother lying." 

They sat in silence yet again, Aaron closely, patiently studying Robert's face. He knew he had to take it slow, otherwise Robert would just run.

Minutes went past and for a second Aaron was sure they would not be getting any where tonight so he removed his hand from Robert's and put his hands on his knees before getting up to a standing position. He gave his partner one more look before he would make a move towards the door, but just when he was about to leave he felt Robert's hand gripping his wrist, pulling him back down on the sofa. Robert looked nervous and he opened and closed his mouth several times before whispering "Sorry".

"Robert, please just tell me what's going on"

"It's nothing, I'm just being weird and stupid, I'll go and apologize to Liv" He went to leave but Aaron had decided he would get Robert to open up tonight so he stopped him. He gave Robert a stern look and moved him back on to the sofa. He kneeled in front of him, grabbing both of his hands holding them tight. 

"You are not leaving before you tell me exactly what's going on in that head of yours"


	7. The conversation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert opens up, but just a bit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not updating earlier, did not know how to continue and I also have been very busy. This one is again a bit shorter.

Robert did really not want to have this conversation but he knew he could not continue lying to Aaron. He knew something was not quite right but he could not directly say that something was particularly wrong with him either, which made him feel stupid. He did not want to give Aaron anything to worry about and the doctors had earlier told him there were no long term effects from the accident. He kept glancing around, looking anywhere except on Aaron. He knew he had to talk but he had no idea where to start.

 

”Robert, look at me”

 

”Robert”

 

”You can tell me anything, I won't judge or... I'll just listen, okay?”

 

Robert could feel Aaron's gaze on him and he slowly turned his head towards his partner. Aaron's expression was calm and patient. Aaron gave him a small, warm smile.

 

”I don't really know what to say”

 

He took a deep breath before continuing.

 

”I feel like I still need to check on everything...you know, that the door is locked and the car is working, that everything is in order”

 

He rubbed his right hand through his hair and sighed.

 

”I know, I've noticed” Aaron said, taking Robert's hand in his own, giving it a gentle squeeze.

 

”I feel like I....like I _have_ to do it, you know, I **need** to do it”

 

”Do you know why you feel like that?” Aaron asked tentatively.

 

”I...no. I'm just being silly, it's probably nothing. Maybe I'm not quite over everything that's happened”

 

”Well, you haven't really talked about it, you know. You always just told me you were fine, never actually talking about how you feel deep inside”

 

”I don't want to think about it. I don't want to think about how I almost died, how much pain I've caused everyone, how much of a burden I've been”

 

Aaron quickly moved his hands to cup Robert's face. His look was stern.

 

”You're not a burden, never have been, never will be! Never say that again, okay!”

 

Robert could feel his eyes starting to water and he nodded slightly. Aaron smiled at him before leaning in, kissing Robert softly on the lips then wiping away a tear that was running down his cheek. Holding Robert's face still between his hands, Aaron slightly pulled back before opening his mouth to speak.

 

”I still think you should speak to someone, maybe it would be easier to talk someone you don't know? ”

 

”I don't need to see a therapist, I'll get over it, whatever this is!”

 

Robert moved Aaron's hands away from himself and turned his head away from Aaron's eyes. They both stayed silent for a moment.

 

”Could you talk to your doctor, just once, to see that everything else is okay, make an appointment? For me”

 

”They can probably not do anything anyway so it would just be a waste of time!”

 

”Robert, you said you have some.... I don't know?... compulsions? Maybe your doctor could help with those? It would not do any harm to make an appointment, if everything is fine then great, but please book one, for me, to make me feel a bit more at ease, okay?”

 

Robert stayed silent for a couple of minutes. He would do anything for Aaron, anything, but he really did not feel up to calling the doctor's. He did not want to embarrass himself and it's not like he has any _real_ problems but maybe he could go for Aaron's sake. He really do hate knowing he is worrying about him.

 

”okay”

 

The word was barely a whisper and at fist Aaron thought he had imagined it.

 

”Okay, I'll go, for you”

 

”Thank you”

 

”Now I've got to find Liv, guess I owe her an apology”

 

They both stood up, Aaron then giving Robert a hug, before pulling away, smiling.

 

”I'll make the tea” ,he said giving Robert's arm a gentle stroke before leaving the room, Robert leaving soon after him, heading towards Liv's room to have another conversation he rather would go without having.

 

 

 

 

 

He knocks three times. Liv does not answer straight away, probably having her earphones, music playing way too loud- again. Robert's sure she'll go deaf in a few years if she keeps this up.

He knocks again, a bit louder this time and soon the door opens. He walks slowly in, shutting the door behind him. Liv has moved herself back onto her bed, she looks at him with an expression he can't really decipher. He goes and joins her.

They both just sit there, staring at each other, both waiting for the other one to start the conversation. Robert is the first to break the silence.

 

”I'm sorry”

 

Liv's expression does not change.

 

”I know I overreacted a bit and I'm sorry”

 

”You do it all the time these days” She says, a bit angry.

 

”I don't mean to... I just feel like I need to....to keep everything under control”

 

”I know I'm messy, but so's Aaron and I've tried to be better but you still bite my head of if I leave even a fork in the wrong place!”

 

”I'm sorry Liv”

 

”Whatever”

 

”I mean it, I'm going to see my doctor, see if they can do something for me”

 

She scoffs.

 

”Like the doctor's gonna be able to do something”

 

”They probably can't 'cause I'm just being stupid, but I'll try to be better, okay?”

 

”Okay”

 

Robert gives her a small smile before getting up. He turns just before he gets tot he door.

 

”Aaron's making the tea, I'm gonna go and give him a hand”

 

”You better, because I'm starving and I know his cooking skills!”

 

They both laugh and Robert returns downstairs to help Aaron before the tea is beyond salvageable.


End file.
